Missing You
by Alasse
Summary: I watched you walk away and I knew that I would never see you again. Faye reflects on her feelings for Spike. Faye and Spike. SPOILERS. One shot.


A/N: Since I've recently become freaking obsessed with Cowboy Bebop I decided that it was time to write out a little fanfiction. So there. Well…anyway. I suppose that it's time to get along with it. This is just based on that entire moment in The Real Folk Blues, Part II, where Spike leaves the Bebop and confronts Faye. There was just so much understated emotion in that scene and we see what happens to Spike afterwards (sniff), but we never do see what Faye does. So it's time to give Faye a voice!

Sooooo…here we go.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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I watched you walk away and I knew that I'd never see you again. You were gone off to look for Julia, or for death, whichever one it was. With you they were always pretty much tied together. I cried after you left, did you know that? I've never been one for crying-had you ever seen me cry before then? But I cried for you. It was probably the only mourning that you were going to get. It was the only thing I could give you. I couldn't even give you myself because you wouldn't accept it, but I could give you my tears, and hope that was enough.

When you turned around I pointed the gun at the back of your head. In that moment I hated you more than any other thing in this universe. I pointed the gun at your stupid fluffy hair, and I pulled the trigger. At the last second I pulled the gun away and pointed it towards the ceiling. As much as I hated you, I had to let you do this, for yourself. I pulled the trigger until there were no more shots left. A salute for Spike Spiegel. When the gun was empty each click reminded me that I had no more rounds left, and each click said to me "Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone." It must be bad when your gun starts talking to you. You made me truly insane, are you happy now?

How could you leave me like that? But then again, you'd never really cared for me, had you? I was just Faye to you, just the girl bounty hunter who was a thorn in your side. Had a gambling problem, was most likely going to die a premature death with millions of woolongs of debt hanging over her head. She came in when she wanted, and left when she felt like it. There was nothing there to really spark interest. When I saw Julia I realized that I was nothing.

As soon as I saw Julia I could understand what had brought you two together. You were alike in that special way that only lovers can be, where they practically share a soul with one another. I looked into her eyes and I could see you there, shining out at me. And when I looked into your eyes (you know, I never could figure out which one of them was the fake) a reflection of Julia came back to me. I hated her. I hated her for a stupid, petty reason: she had taken you away from me. I know that I never had you in the first place, but she killed you in the end. But then again, you knew that was going to happen, didn't you?

_"Do you ever wonder what's out there?" _

_"Undoubtedly more crime, men, and people to whom I owe debts." _

Did you ever feel at all happy on the Bebop? You always seemed to have this grieving, brooding aura around you, no matter what happened. It seemed that no matter what the adventure you could always relate it to Julia somehow. Even the simplest look would open up a world of memories for you. You were always so touchy about that. I could always tell you know. I could always tell when you were thinking about her. That's when I avoided you.

I never wanted to grow old with you. I don't think that you were the sort of person that one can grow old with, and let's face it-I'm so young and pretty that I've never seen myself as growing old. I suppose when you've been frozen you see yourself as forever young. It makes me laugh to picture you as an old man, your agility and quickness gone. No, you were destined to be like a spark: to burn brightly, and when your time was up, disintegrate quickly and quietly, causing as little fuss as you had to.

I wish I'd never met you sometimes. Sometimes I hate you with all the passion in my body. But then I just think about one of your little characteristics, and I laugh. So I was in love with you, so what? So you never noticed that I was in love with you? I mean, yeah, it hurt, but not enough for me to leave you. Not enough for me to forget you.

I still cry sometimes. Not as much as I did that first night, but sometimes I still cry. They're just small sad little tears, which remind me that you're dead and more lost to me than you ever were before. That first night when I knew that you were dead, when you left, Jet came out and just stared at me.

"Start your ship," I told him through my sobs. He just stared at me. I would have gone after you myself but my ship was broken. You might remember that. Jet still wasn't moving and I was growing angrier by the second. "Start your ship," I said, louder than I had the last time.

"Faye…" he began and I lost my mind. Remember when I said that you made me insane? Here's where it really started. I knew that Jet was going to try to say something comforting; I knew that it was going to fall enormously flat. It was probably going to be something like "He was jerk. I never wanted him around here anyway. Now I can forget him and move on." And my God, I was not ready for that. I wasn't ready for you to be dismissed like you never existed.

"Start your ship!" I yelled, pointing the empty gun at his face, my arm trembling and my voice shaking from emotion. He knew it was empty, I knew it was empty, but he still obeyed without question. I think he was looking for an excuse to go after you, to be perfectly honest. He was sitting at the pilot's seat when I finally joined him, shaking with the force of my compressed sobs.

"You're not going to try and stop him are you?" he asked without looking at me. I wanted to stop you. I wanted to wreck your old, beat-up ship, bring it back down to ground, and wrap you in my arms and never let you go. But the second I thought that over I knew that it wasn't going to happen and I knew that somehow, I didn't want it to happen. I shook my head slowly. "Then why?" he asked. I felt the now familiar sting of tears against my eyes and I suddenly knew the answer, as clear as day.

"I'm not going to stop him," I said, leaning up against the windows, wishing you were there more than ever. "I'm going for the body." Jet did a double-take. I think it was me saying it so plainly that surprised him. Though we knew that you were going to die, it was just having it said out in the open that made it so surprising. At that point you crossed over from the world of the living to the world of the dead for us.

_"That is so like you to think of that. Do you ever think happy thoughts that aren't jaded? Any at all?_

_"Do you?" _

_"Ooh…Touché." _

_"Yeah, whatever. And to answer your question, no, I don't. What is there to think happy thoughts about? My non-existent memory? Oh, how cheerful indeed. One day I'll get my memory back, and then I'll be back to where I belong, and you'll never see me again."_

_"I wait eagerly for the day." _

The ship took off and everything was coming closer together and oh God you were dead and I was never going to see you again and I'd never told you that I loved you and now I was never going to get the chance…

I wish I'd had my ship. Do you know how awkward it was trying to get the Hammerhead down in the narrow city streets? I could easily tell where you'd been. You always did tend to cause a fuss where you went. You weren't really the delicate type were you? My heart sank and I thought over the question I'd asked myself before.

Did you ever love me? The answer to that was an overwhelming no. did you ever know that I loved you? I don't think that you did. Things went easier on the Bebop if we played the parts that we'd first assigned ourselves. When I came on, I hated you. And that was the way that it had to be from then on. When I found out about Julia, it solidified my role. I could never love you. It would upset the balance, and that's the last thing you want on a ship. I resigned myself to being the person who annoyed you and who brought you down when you were becoming too arrogant.

I wanted you to know that I loved you. I wanted to tell you when you were leaving the ship. Love and hate for me were never too far apart and in that second where I wanted to kill you, I also loved you more than anything in the world. I wish you'd known. I wish you'd known that there was something else you could live for besides the memory of a dead woman, but by the time I thought to tell you it was too late and there we were, hovering above the stairs.

Jet, with all the talent that he possessed, brought the ship down to a perfect landing. As soon as I was sure that we were on the ground, I ran out. I had seen you laying thereon the steps from high above. It was just a speck, but I knew it was you. Something deep inside of me told me. Of course, as soon as I came out of the ship I was surrounded by Mafia thugs. You used to work with these guys? No wonder you were so tough.

They didn't even bother to talk, just converged on me with guns pointed at me. My brain still wasn't working right (it's because you made me insane, remember?) and I brought out my empty gun and pointed it at all of them. Fortunately they didn't know that it was empty. Unfortunately I couldn't shoot at them, or they would know that it was empty. We were at a holding point and tensions were running high. This is when Jet decided to come out to the scene, holding his own, thankfully full gun.

"Let her go," he commanded, and I could understand how he'd been ISSP. His voice just carried some sort of authority with it that made you pay attention to him and do whatever he said. "Let her go," he commanded once more when they refused to move. They listened about as well as you did actually. He finally had to fire a round at them and then we could go. We ran up the destroyed stairs, dodging holes and loose steps until we got to you. How long had you been lying there? Seconds, minutes? If we had gotten there sooner would we have been in time to save your life? See you how drive me insane still?

You were lying there on your face and as I turned you over I realized that I hadn't ever seen you look as peaceful as you did then. Every single care was gone from your face and as bizarre as it may sound, there was a look of happiness upon your face. I had an epiphany as I looked at your closed eyes, one eyelid hiding a fake eye. By the way, why did you feel the need to tell me about that? What was the purpose? Now I just want to know more.

But my epiphany was that you were happy like this. "I'm going to find out if I'm really alive." You weren't alive on the Bebop at all were you? Was all my time spent with you really spent with a moving corpse? Julia was your life, and I accept that. Once you lost her, you lost everything. I just wish that you'd given me a chance, let me given you a reason to live. I look back now and I see a hundred ways that I could have done this, a hundred ways that you might still be here with me.

There was blood on your face. I'd seen you crawl home bloody and broken before now, and compared to some of the times, your injuries seemed fairly light. Yeah, you were cut up a bit more, but you should have been able to make it out alive. Was the reason that you didn't make it out alive because you didn't want to? Did I really mean that little to you after all?

Jet and I carried you back onto the Bebop. We didn't say anything, because what was there to say? We sat you down on the couch where you'd sleep the days away, and we left you there and then went off, each to deal with their personal grief. I didn't cry anymore that day. I didn't have any tears left to cry. No, at this point mine was the quieter, number sense of grief that eats you from the inside out.

When we finally emerged, me from my room and Jet from his bonsai trees, we both knew what to do. On an unspoken, unneeded signal we picked you up (you weighed less than I thought you would) and put you into Swordfish. It seemed the proper thing to do, sending you out with your ship. I cried all during this. I know Jet thought I was insane and weak, but I couldn't help it. This was the last time I'd ever have a piece of you and I didn't want to let it go. Just before we closed the hatch I leapt inside and gave you the embrace and the kiss that I never could have given you when you were alive.

It was a quick kiss, just on the cheek. Your skin was cold against my lips and when I drew away it was quickly and with some pleasure. That was not the way that I wanted to remember you. You were never cold; you were always burning with indignation or humor. That's how I've tried to remember you, and I think I've done a pretty good job. We turned on the Swordfish, pointed her out towards the solar system and then, with no ceremony, no false words, you were gone, out of our lives.

"See you later space cowboy," I remarked, before sprinting into the ship, taking off my helmet and throwing myself down on the couch where your body had rested. I don't know how long I was there, but when I emerged I was ready to live life again, albeit a bit emptier life than I would have had. I helped Jet fix Redtail, and I was gone. We both knew it was going to happen. You were the thing that kept us together. Once you were gone there was no reason to stay.

I've been drifting lately, going from Venus to Mars, even to Earth once. I think I saw Ed there once, but it was probably my imagination. I still think about the Bebop a lot. I can't see a Corgi without wanting to kick it; I have a semi-soft spot in my heart for hacker kids, and black dogs always manage to wrangle a smile from me. Oh yeah. I now love Bruce Lee movies, I still don't like dogs, and I can't stand theme park rides.

I haven't been counting the days or anything, but it's been quite a good while since you were gone, and I'm still missing you. I miss you when I wake up, when I eat something without meat, when I do anything really. Every single time I go out for a bounty (yeah, I still do that, you didn't think I'd give that up did you?) and I go into space, I go semi-hoping that I'll see Swordfish. I don't know why. It would be macabre at best, but somewhat cathartic as well. I never have seen it and I don't think that I ever will. That was our last parting and we'll never meet again in this world.

You weren't even gone from this world yet and I was missing you. Hopefully we'll see each other again, someday, somewhere. And, as a final note, you've ruined me. Not only have you made me completely insane, but you've also managed to ruin me for some nice bloke. I'm never going to love anyone else, not after you. Are you happy now Spike?

A true sign of my insanity? After all that you've put me through, I still love you. Insane? Oh yes. Let me say it, just once more for the record. I love you Spike.

See you later space cowboy. I'm still missing you, like I have been three minutes since you left.

_"You know, the stars aren't as far away as they look."_

_"What the hell are you talking about Spike? It's not like you to get philosophical."_

_"Call it a rare moment Faye. So you never wonder what's out there, not at all. _

_"No. Never have, never will. Why bother?"_

_"So jaded. It just so happens that I have wondered what's out there and I've come up with one very clear solution."_

_"Oh? And what's that?" _

_"Our destinies."_

_"Deep." _

_"Well, I try. Oh, there's Jet. Gotta run. Big bounty to catch today, remember?"_

_"Yeah, I'll catch it long before you will. Hey…Spike?"_

_"Yeah?" _

_"I hope…I hope you find whatever it is that you're looking for."_

_"Maybe I will. Maybe I already have."_

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